I'm no saint,

nor hippie, not a complete optimist or fully sanguine. I'm not into the new-age stuff or finding your "inner-self". I'm no motivational speaker (well, that much is obvious) and I'm no counsellor. I don't have hundred percent proof I'm right and I'm not here to change your mind. I don't go looking for my "happy place" or breathe exasperatedly when stressed. 

Okay. At this point I would like to apologise if I've offended anyone with the things I don't believe in. I never said they were wrong, I just don't believe in such things. Personal preference. I'm sure you respect that much. 

I'm no expert at life. And I don't believe I know everything there is to know. But if you're a fast reader with nothing better to do. Then maybe you can simply hear me out.

__________________________________________

Anger. 

I don't believe people purely get angry 100% of the time they claim they're angry. 

Sometimes it is a mask for other emotions- sadness, disappointment, embarrassment. And that's just naming a few. Other times, the anger gives them a state of control.

I know from my own experience. When I was angry over betrayal of my trust, when you're the only one left and no one listens to you vent at night, that's when you start to realise you're not actually angry at the person over the betrayal/disappointment, you're actually sad and hurt. It's just that it's much easier to feel angry at the person, to feel a hatred towards that person, than to actually admit that that person has actually made you vulnerable and caused you pain. No one wants to admit they can be weak. 

And then again in an argument, the one that keeps cool under pressure is the winner. Once you've raised your voice, it's kind of like admitting that you've lost the battle or know that you're losing. The raising of your voice is merely a facade to cover up the fact that you know you're argument has a weaker basis and also it implies that you are losing your dominant position and that's why there is a need to raise your voice. 

A constantly angry person may be also an insecure person. Unsure of themselves, finding the need to prove themselves right all the time and getting angry in the process because no one person is completely right and in many matters, there isn't merely black and white but a huge array of grey areas that, try as you may and argue as you might, won't make them any more right or any more wrong. 

I guess sometimes, we need to learn to admit it when we're wrong instead of getting so worked up over it. And it goes both ways. If you blame the whole world when something goes wrong, you're not going to be any happier than the person you blamed. And if you're only ever finding fault in what is a person's best effort, no one will ever satisfy your standards and before long, they won't bother trying either. 

AND OF COURSE, important point to note, if you do actually tell them this, they will violently object to that perception of them. But hey. Usually when I do that, I tend to realise the perception is actually true. Just being in denial. It takes some time to think through others crtiticisms but it's valuable whether they turn out to be accurate or not. If it  is accurate, then you know of an area to correct. And if it's inaccurate, then you'll have to find out why that person got such a perception of you.

When we are hurt badly, our first instinct may be anger. Only after that fades and we realise the anger is merely a mask, can we begin to heal. It's hard to mend something you don't believe is broken. 

Giving up pride can be hard, but pride's all it's worth. For that instance of preservation of pride, is it worth a broken relationship? Is it worth a true friend? 

Sometimes the largest regrets may come from the words left unsaid. And I'm not being all drama serial-ish and encouraging you to confess your feelings, but we should humble ourselves to utter the word "sorry" and sometimes that means more than anything else. And maybe, that will cause a longer lasting mutual respect to reverberate between you and the other party.

That having been said. I'm guilty as charged as well. None of us have been made infallible, and I guess we have to accept that and not always try to impress our views and opinions upon others. Sometimes trying to nudge someone along the right path will not be through brute force, but through careful meandering and prodding. The harder you push, the greater the rebound. 

If you run into thick vegetation in a forest at your full speed, I believe you are likely to get hurt. Either because you get bounced off instead or because you've used too much force and you went all the way through. While the former is obviously more painful for you, the latter will hurt both you and the vegetation. Yet, if you carefully tread the ground and bother to slowly venture layer by layer, you do as little damage as possible and in the end, both you and the vegetation get what you want. You get through. The vegetation lives. Okay. Not the best analogy. But you probably can see the idea there. Haha.

It's not important to control the situation with your anger, but with a peace that is tangible. It is better to control yourself and remain in check with your emotions than to try to control others when you are not able to even do so with yourself. 

Maybe for the average person this bit is optional. But take it as I'm talking to myself because these are merely my utterances and feelings on the subject matter. 

I believe I will do this by grace and not by self-effort because through many instances we have learnt that man will fail. And I know that I'm not able to do it on my own.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

Anyway. This was basically a rant. And on the side note. 

Happy 18th and one day, Sweetheart! HAHA! I guess I won't be able to surprise you next year. I've exhausted my resources and also the element of surprise. D: hahahaha. 

Anyway, school's almost reopening and I guess there's someone I should apologize to for having flared up at her. Haha. :)

I seem to have become more malleable now. I guess that's good. My mom hated my stubborn-as-a-mule attitude. HAHHAHA. xD And OKAY. One last side note. Ever realised how every one regards bulls as stubborn? Is it that they really are stubborn, or is it that we just don't have the strength/influence/etc to move them? =S Hmm.

Alright. 

Love,

Deborah.